Qualities that Black Women Respect in Men

Dr. Donald Brown

Recently I was asked to serve on a panel- sponsored by the Victory Community Church in Upland California- entitled “What Is a Man?” In advance of the panel discussion, I thought that I would seek advice from the experts- women- who could better respond to this question. And so I asked women on Facebook an open-ended question: “What qualities do you respect in a man?’’

In all honesty, I turned to black women because I am sure they think about this question often as they have a good sense of the qualities they would like to see in a future partner or husband.

For our part, as black men, we were never really taught what it is to be a black man. Rather, we heard such slogans as “Be a man!”, or “Man Up!” But it stopped there. There was no precise definition of what goes into being a real man.

A clear definition of what it means to be a man is more important now than it has ever been ever been. The black community has a problem of huge proportions -- black men, for all intent and purposes, are missing in action.

This is due in large measure to mass incarceration and early deaths. In light of this reality, it is so important that forums such as the one hosted by Victory Community Church take place. In such forums, older black men can discuss with their younger counterparts what it is to be a man -- and, if possible, hear the perspectives of black women who can elucidate the qualities they long for.

Listed below are the five qualities that came up most often among the 14 women who responded to the survey question: “What qualities do you respect in a man?”

The qualities that came up most often were:

1. God-fearing (71%)

2. Integrity (50%)

3. Being a Provider (50%)

4. Respect for Women (36%)

5. Good Communicator (36%)

There is not enough room to share all of the women’s comments, but I think it instructive to offer the three below, as they are highly insightful. (The last one is from my daughter-in-law, a recent bride. I pray that my son will emulate the qualities that she lists.)

Comment # 1

The qualities that I respect most in a man are his godly qualities, a man that truly loves and honors God follows the teachings of Jesus Christ. Because if this man loves God, he will know how to love and respect me as the weaker vessel, and take his rightful place as the head of his house, doing all the things the word of God has said the man should do. And that is to love his wife like Christ loves the Church -- and he loved the Church so much and so he laid down his life for the Church.

This man must know who he is as a man of God, not intimidated in any way by his wife, who she is or what she can do. Regardless of her capabilities, he must still know that he is the head of the house, but yet respecting her in her position as the wife, mother, and with all her capabilities encourage her to be who she is in God without being intimidated in any way by him but supported.

He must be a man of integrity, the same man behind closed doors as he is in the open -- a truthful man. There are no perfect men or women; we are all flawed, but each of us should do our best as we depend on God to help us. A marriage without God is really not a marriage that God desires for his children. Every other type of love is made better when Christ is in it.

Comment #2

1. His ability to understand his strength and weaknesses.

2. Accepting that he may not always be able to be the strong one and/or that he don’t have to be.

3. Recognize that his words and actions are what the children will model.

4. Remembering that “for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health” is real. The time will come when you'll be tested. I need you to pass the test.

5. Stay away from gender-specific roles and focus instead on what needs to get done, and when.

6. Must be a good listener, able to admit when he's wrong, and learn from his mistakes.

7. Finally, and very importantly, love me when I'm good/bad, right/wrong, weak/strong. Know that I will do the same for him.

8. Finally, finally, please know that menopause is a temporary phase in life, and your woman hasn't lost her mind. If you can do that, then you are the man.

Comment #3.

I respect the following qualities in a man: He Loves God, and he is open-minded, respectful, honest, kind and loyal.

* * *

A major finding from this informal survey is that the topic of sex did not come up at all. In some of their statements the women intimated that if all of the qualities listed above were present, sex with their partner or husband would be all the more meaningful.

There is so much more that we can learn from black women about black men. We could also benefit from hearing the voices of elderly black males who have consistently been present in the home and have provided for their families. Young African-American males need sage advice in order to become good husbands, fathers, providers and leaders in their community, society, nation, and the world.